Script Short — Sacred Relic

I wrote this little piece for a comedy writing class I took with the IFP. It was a good class and I enjoyed learning from veteran comedian Bill Corbett. I call this SACRED RELIC.

INT. APARTMENT – EVENING

ROB, A young hipster, bustles about his apartment setting out
fancy place settings while the latest track from OBSCURE
INDIE ROCK BAND plays, on vinyl, of course.

He reverently opens a first century wooden box where a
certain goblet-shaped object is conspicuously missing from
its velvet liner.

ROB
(cursing to himself)
Broady!

Rob marches to the neighboring apartment where the sounds of
NFL football blare from the television. Rob raps sharply on
the door.

After several moments, a tall, shaggy haired dude holding an
early first century chalice answers the door.

BROADY
Rob. Hey dude, I’m watching the
game. You wanna come in?

ROB
No, Broady. Is that my cup of
Christ?

Broady checks the goblet innocently.

BROADY
Uh yeah, I borrowed it. That’s
cool right?

ROB
That’s the original cup used by our
Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ at
the last supper. Not only is it
completely priceless, but it’s one
of the most holy, sacred relics in
Christendom. And you’re drinking
beer from it?

BROADY
Yeah. It keeps your brew cold,
like, forever man.

Broady takes a swig.

BROADY (CONT’D)
You wanna try some?

ROB
No. I do not want to try some.
Broady, I need that back. Right
now.

BROADY
Sorry dude, I all my dishes were
dirty, man.

ROB
Well, you can’t just take the cup
our Lord used on the night he was
betrayed for drinking Coors light.

Broady downs the last of the beer and hands it back to Rob.

BROADY
Geez, sorry. I haven’t seen you get
this bent out of shape since I took
your stupid holy snuggie.

ROB
You mean the Shroud of Turin? Yeah,
I was a little pissed because it
came back with a stain on it.

BROADY
Sorry dude, I had a face full of
babyback ribs and no napkin.

ROB
Whatever. Just give me back the cup
of Christ.

BROADY
Sorry, dude. I didn’t realize you
were so religious.

Rob stares reverently at the holy chalice for a moment.

ROB
Yeah, I’m not.
(beat)
I’ve got a dinner party in fifteen
minutes and this thing makes the
best Chateau’ Lafite from tap water.

FADE OUT:

Script Exerpt — ScaVengers pt. 1

It’s really a shame I wasn’t asked to write Joss Whedon’s new Avengers movie script (for purely financial reasons alone) but I did get to write my own super hero ensemble script which I’m very pleased with how it turned out. The story revolves around a group of super hero animals (notoriously notable for their penchant for becoming roadkill) and their attempt to stop a diminutive super villain who wants his son to follow in his evil footsteps. I call this script “The ScaVengers”.

This is a scene where the super villain, Mr. Dormouse is eagerly awaiting the return of his son from boarding school. The villains henchmen, Crusher and Cuddles, the bunny twins have not told Dormouse about his son’s true nature.

INT. VILLAIN’S LAIR – LATER

Dormouse enters his cavernous lair. Balloons, Streamers, and a large sign saying “Welcome Home Durf” are hung around the otherwise foreboding fortress.

DORMOUSE
Oh, this is so exciting! The last
time I saw him he was just this
tiny ball of evil. Now he’s all
grown up. No doubt he is a
diabolical genius. Boys, on a scale
of one to ten, how evil would you
say he is?

CUDDLES
One.

CRUSHER
Ten.

CUDDLES
Wait. Can I use fractions?

CRUSHER
It’s hard to judge evil of that…
magnitude, boss.

DORMOUSE
Excellent. Pure evil, just like
his old man… I can’t wait to see
him.

The bunnies give each other a worried glance.

DORMOUSE (CONT’D)
I wonder what the devious little
mastermind will want to do first?
Ransom exorbitant amounts of money
from the League of Governments?
Disrupt the world’s financial
institutions with artificially high
oil prices? Build a death ray?

Dormouse spins in his high back leather chair. He leaps up.

DORMOUSE (CONT’D)
Perhaps he will do away with all
the pleasantries and get straight
to overthrowing me and taking my
empire for himself! I’d better be
ready for anything.

A knock sounds and Dormouse hides beside the door. The door opens and a rotund mouse plods into the room.

DORMOUSE (CONT’D)
You won’t overthrow me that easily!
Ha-HA!

Dormouse leaps, chopping the lad in the neck with an open hand. He shoulder locks the boy and judo throws him to the floor, grabbing him up in a headlock. The portly boy wiggles helplessly, staring up at the sweater-vested psycho.

DORMOUSE (CONT’D)
Oh. I beg your pardon. I though you
were my son…

DURF
Dad?

Dormouse’s eyes widen in shock and horror.

DORMOUSE
Oh, no. You are my son.

Dormouse shoots daggers at the bunny twins with his eyes.
They whistle and look away.

DORMOUSE (CONT’D)
Excuse me, Durf. You two. Come
here.

Dormouse pulls the two rabbits into the next room. He sets up a step ladder, climbs it and slaps them.

DORMOUSE (CONT’D)
What is the meaning of this? Why is
my son so… so–

CUDDLES
Stupid?

DORMOUSE
I was going to say ‘not evil’.

CRUSHER
Boss, I’m sure you can appreciate
how the academic environment can
teach you theory but not prepare
you for practical application in
the real world of evil.

DORMOUSE
You– you have a point. Perhaps I
need to train him myself.

CUDDLES
If he’s not too stupid.

Dormouse knocks their heads together with a CLUNK!

END SCENE